Annoyed.. but dont judge me for it

As you know, back in April, I decided that I was going to start eating healthy. Then in June, I started a boot camp program (I did it a few times over the past years but never for more than 4 weeks).

The difference between all the other times and this time.. I AM COMMITTED. I am still easting healthy and I am on week 8 of boot camp. I am annoyed though. After 4 weeks of boot camp. Hard Boot camp. My number weight has stayed the exact same. The trainer told me I need to eat more. Eat More. I didn't really understand this because I eat 4 or 5 times a day. I feel like I just eat and eat. My calorie intake was not enough though. I was trying to get 1,000 calories a day. I need to be getting 1,200 - 1,500 for the workouts we do. My body needs something to burn. Ok. I don't know how I can eat more but.. I decided to stop writing it all down. I think this was making me nervous to eat. If it had high calories, sodium, fat.. I just would not eat it or buy it. So what I was buying to eat just would equal what I needed. I have to say that since I stopped writing it down I am not so much "afraid" of what I am eating. I have been writing it down since April. So now it is kind of common since what is good for me and what is not. Out of 8 weeks at boot camp, going 3 days a week I have only missed 1 day. That is awesome! That is the best workout commitment I have ever made in my life. I am still going for the next month, and the month after that, and the month after that. It is hard since my husband is not at home in time to be with my little Chica, but I figure it out. (Thank you wonderful friends and family for watching her for me)

So, like I said after 4 weeks my weight was the same. It fluctuated between 10 and 12 pounds. He did my 4 week "check up" my BMI was down 3.7, my arms were down 1/2 inch. and so on. The inches and the body weight were changing.. the weight not at all. I did what he told me, started eating after my workout (protein only) and getting more calories per day. I even started vitamins. Here it is on week 8.. 4 weeks after my last "issues" and I am STILL around the same weight. UGH! I am now fluctuating between 12 and 15 pounds.. but in the past few days I am back to the damn 10 pound mark. WHY WHY WHY

It is soooo annoying. It is hard to know you are giving it your all when you work out, you don't eat everything you want to eat, and you STILL are not changing in the way you want to change. I know my BMI is down from the last time we checked. I know my legs are down some. BUT I WANT THE NUMBER ON THE SCALE TO BE GOING DOWN DOWN DOWN. 

Not only is it annoying, it makes me want to give up. I wont give up because I love working out. I love it like I have never loved it before. It makes me happy even when I don't feel good. I know it is healthy for me. I know other parts are benefiting from it. I just want the number to go down. It really makes you feel like it is not worth it.

What else is annoying.. all my friends are skinny skinny. I am not wanting or even trying to be that skinny. I love my curves. I love my butt. I would rather have my butt with extra pounds then no butt. I like looking like a women. I might not be the sexiest body type but I again, I want to keep my curves. It is just so annoying because they (my friends.. not even talking about movie stars, or models) they eat what they want. The eat as much of what they want. They do not workout like I am working out. Yet, they stay skinny.. super skinny. HOW IS THIS FAIR. Life isn't fair, I know. But I am trying.. and trying.. and I cant even get close to what I want. They don't try and they get it. Why couldn't I have fat friends. That sounds horrible I know. I don't mean that in any other way then at least I would have some people to relate to. They have perfect stomachs. They have small tiny arms. They have slinder faces. I want a flat stomach with tiny arms and a slinder face. Ill keep my butt, my thighs, and my boobs (they are fake so that wont change regardless) GEEZ I am annoyed

In it way it keeps me going. In a way it makes me want to succeed even more because at least I can say I busted my butt and worked for it and got it. They were just blessed with it. I would be more proud having to work for it. But I would be more happy if I were blessed with it. UGH..

They thing is, I don't mind to work for it since I don't have a choice.. but again, the numbers need to go down. I don't understand what I am doing wrong. What am I not doing enough of.

ANNOYED

Makes me not want to be around them because they don't know or understand the struggle. They have no idea what it feels like to not look like they do. I love them to much to leave them for something like this.. but it is hard. hard to be around their small skinny flat stomachs. Makes me want to have them swallow a balloon and then blow it up when it is in their stomach (not to kill them like it prob would do.. ha, but to just imperfect their stomachs) They need some imperfections!

p.s. I love my friends, I don't really wish imperfections on them. I am just venting my aggravation. It would just be nice to have a close friend that understand not having a perfect body.

ANNOYED!!!!!!!   Dont judge me for this post though.